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Clinking Glasses? |
Clink.
Clinkclinkclink.
Just like that, you’ve committed a major faux pas.
Although it’s a custom many people observe at weddings, clinking glasses isn’t good etiquette, says Robin Steele, director of the Harrisonburg-based Virginia Academy of Etiquette & Protocol.
“You might break someone’s Waterford crystal,” she said. “And whether it’s expensive stemware or not, you don’t want to break it.”
It’s just one of the many tips Steele has for wedding etiquette. Everything on her list is something she’s seen done at least once by a bride, groom, guest or bridesmaid, she says.
• Wedding invitations should not include registry information.
One of the most common mistakes in wedding etiquette may be including registry information in the invitation, says Steele.
“On a baby shower gift, or something like that, it’s appropriate, but on a wedding invitation, no, you don’t do that,” she said. “That’s [the] ultimate [in] tacky.”
Instead, the bride and groom should give information about the registry verbally to people who ask about it.
The other key rule about wedding invitations is when they should be mailed out: 4-6 weeks before the wedding, says Steele.
• On the guest’s side, reply cards to the invitation should be returned promptly.
RSVP — which stands for Respondez s’il vous plait and means “please respond” — requires quick action on the recipient’s part.
Also, Steele says, a guest should never add another guest to their RSVP.
• If you’re a bridesmaid, wear the dress without complaint.
Joy Salyards, owner of bridal shop Reflections in the Cloverleaf Shopping
Center, has seen brides leave her store crying after arguing with their bridesmaids about the dresses she’s picked out.
That’s a major no-no, she says: “It’s the bride’s big day and you have to wear whatever she selects,” Salyards said.
And she does mean whatever she selects.
“I don’t care if it’s the poofiest, God-awfulest dress in the world, grin and bear it, it’s her day,” she said.
• Your outfit doesn’t have to match the wedding party.
Of course that “just wear it” rule just applies to the wedding party. Another common mistake Salyards sees people make is to try and match their outfit to the wedding’s colors when they’re, say, the mother of the bride.
“They think they’re all supposed to show up in pink because that’s what the bridesmaids are wearing, but that’s not how it works,” she said. “The mother of the bride needs to forget the color the bridesmaids are wearing and concentrate on finding something she looks good in.”
Also, Steele says, neither the bride and groom’s mother should wear black — just so no one gets the wrong idea about the joyfulness of the occasion.
• Women guests should respect the bride by not wearing solid white.
Some things never change, and the prohibition on wearing white to a wedding is one of them, says Steele. This isn’t a victimless crime, like wearing white after Labor Day — it’s potentially hurtful to the bride.
“I think the saying ‘anything goes’ has come to apply in many areas now, people have taken liberties with it, but this isn’t one of those places where anything goes,” she said.
• Follow the other clothing rules.
The no-white rule is the easiest of Steele’s wardrobe rules, and the others can get a bit complex.
For women, a midday wedding requires a nice dress or dress suit — no sequins or black dresses, says Steele.
Black is suitable for a late afternoon or early evening wedding, Steele says, and for weddings after 6 p.m. a dressy suit or dress is appropriate.
If a wedding is “black tie,” than a short, three-quarter or floor length dress is required. If a wedding is “white tie” then a ball gown is the appropriate choice.
For men the rules are a little simpler: a suit is required for a daytime wedding, “black tie” means a black suit, or a white jacket and black pants during the summer, says Steele.
“White tie” is the most formal occasion and requires a white tie, wing collar and tailcoat.
• Cell phones should be turned off during a wedding.
This one seems obvious, but is routinely broken, says Steele, who studied at the Academy of Etiquette & Protocol in Orlando, and sought their help when creating her list of wedding etiquette no-nos.
“I’ve heard of people answering their phones at a funeral, at the graveyard, and carry on a conversation,” she said.
• The bride and groom should remember to circulate among all their guests at the reception.
Everyone’s been at the party where they don’t know anyone but the host, and the host is otherwise occupied.
Brides and grooms should be careful to avoid this by getting around to every table, says Steele. For her money, it’s best for the couple to split up, that way they can cover double the ground.
• Handwritten thank-you notes are a must: The sooner, the better.
“It’s one of the most important correspondences there is, but people make a bigger deal of it than it is, it’s so simple,” she said.
Thank-you notes are one of Steele’s major pet peeves, and she thinks they should be a priority.
It’s never too late, she says, but the sooner it comes, the more sincere it will seem.
Also, she says, it needs to be handwritten, so the giver knows how much it was appreciated.
Another rule: If the note is for a monetary gift, don’t mention the amount but do mention what you might spend it on.
If you’re dreading writing out all those notes you could always do what Steele did: She took her thank-you cards with her on her honeymoon, writing out 10 of them every day.
“Some people might think that’s a little extreme, but I didn’t want to go home with 100 thank-you notes to write,” she said.
• Don’t toast yourself.
The best man does the toast at a wedding and the bride and groom are supposed to smile and nod as he does it, Steele says.
When it’s over, they should touch glasses. They should not, however, lift their glasses to themselves.
“This is like patting yourself on the back or clapping for yourself,” Steele said.
After the toast, the bride and groom should make a toast of their own, thanking everyone involved in the wedding.
And, remember, during those toasts don’t clink your glasses — at least not when Robin Steele’s around.
“Oh yes, that does drive me crazy, I go sideways when I see that,” she said. “Of course I’m polite, so no one knows I’m sideways.”
Contact Martin Cizmar at 574-6277 or mcizmar@dnronline.com
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